This post comes so much later than I wanted it to. My mind has been all over the place lately. And I haven’t been in the right headspace to do anything. I’m probably still not.
I feel like I’m stuck in the in-between of everything.
Like I have things to do and want to do them and have the time to do them, but I also don’t want to do them and just end up sitting staring at a wall or aimlessly scrolling through my phone.
Like I’m lonely and miss my friends and going out, but I never feel up to reaching out to them, and when they reach out, I don’t want to talk to them and would rather stay home than go anywhere.
Like I tell people I’m excited about things, but I’m not. I should be sad or angry or something, but I really don’t feel anything.
Sometimes I look through old pictures or see old social media posts, and I can’t even remember the person I used to be. I was happy, sad, angry, proud, ambitious. Now, I’m just so indifferent about everything.
I’d like to blame the pandemic and the series of bad events that followed in 2020 (losing my job, my house fire, etc.), but I don’t even know if I can do that. I think I was on the bridge of these feelings (or lack there of), and everything that happened just spurred it into action.
This isn’t to say that I don’t have a great support system because I definitely do. And I have good things going for me. So many people are worse off than me. I am super self aware in that aspect.
I guess it’s been rough for everyone. This is just where I’m at.
I wrote some poems. Might post later. In the the meantime, give this guy some love. His content has been getting me through it.